It’s been quite an April for the PBH Network: over 5 million visitors, our first (record-setting!) 500,000 visitor day, and over 3,600 fans on Facebook. With such a great month, we wanted to recap the best performing content from April from across the PBH Network:

5. What Happens When A Hippie Gives You 30 Hits Of Acid

Our unnamed protagonist — a worker at a local coffee shop — describes how he would leave out food for the homeless, only to have his generosity repaid one fateful evening by a local hippie who proceeded to put 30 hits of acid into his mouth. What would follow was an incredible journey told brilliantly by the narrator.

4. Dam Goats!

The funny thing about goats is they are the most goofy yet adroit, sure-footed creatures on the planet. And nothing displays it better than this photoseries of them climbing an almost completely vertical dam in Italy.

3. Introducing Your Worst Nightmare: Karate Kyle

You picked on him in junior high, but Kyle came back after summer vacation with a new trick up his sleeve: Karate. Now he’s going to make everyone pay for the injustice that he has faced.

2. What Will Happen If Gay Marriage Is Legalized?

We didn’t include an image because… well, we don’t want to give the secret away! But people from across the internet have called this the only graph you need on gay marriage.

1. The First Zombie-Proof House

We all know it’s coming, it’s just a matter of time: the zombie apocalypse. Luckily, a Polish architecture firm designed the world’s first zombie-proof house. You will not be disappointed.

Be sure to check out all the PBH Network has to offer: ProseBeforeHos, Alligator Sunglasses, Runt Of The Web, PBH2, and All That Is Interesting. Thanks again to all of our fans and supporters for a great month!

Fat people aren’t just ruining health care reform, they’re also ruining dating websites:

“Dating and social network site BeautifulPeople.com has axed some 5,000 members following complaints that they had gained weight…

As a business, we mourn the loss of any member, but the fact remains that our members demand the high standard of beauty be upheld,” said site founder Robert Hintze.

Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded.”

[Via PBH]

Blech:

Meet Danica Wallace and Jeremy Welch. The Ohio couple was arrested Friday after cops spotted them having sex in a car while Wallace’s two small children were in the vehicle’s back seat. According to a Springfield Police Department report, a copy of which you’ll find here, Wallace, 24, was driving a Ford Taurus when she and Welch, 29, “pulled off the roadway to have sex.” When police approached the vehicle, they discovered Wallace, naked from the waist down, astride a similarly pantsless Welch, who was seated in the front passenger seat. Welch, who was “extremely intoxicated,” offered cops a simple explanation for the pair’s conduct: “We got horny and just wanted to fuck!!”

In case you are the least-popular kid on the internets too, you should have heard about our two new sites: Die Guido Die and Die Hipster Die. You know you want to visit them, so just do it. Come’on, just do it. Do it do it do it.

Also, PBH2 is up as well!

What’s hotter than George Bush and Dick Cheney making out? Oh, nothing much, but you need to use your imagination. It’s not what you see, it’s what you don’t see. Donald Rumsfeld is calmly hanging out in the background, putting his hands down his pants and playing with his fruit bowl. Alberto Gonzales, acting out on long-repressed dreams, enjoys a threesome with Janet Reno and Ted Haggard. Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, thoroughly unattracted to each other, awkwardly pop pills and wonder why everyone they love turns out to be homosexual and a hypocrite. And in the end, it’s you the viewer, disenchanted and apathetic, doing absolutely nothing as they slowly spew their loads all over the US Constitution.

Originally on PBH & Ablogistan.

For background, check out PBH. And don’t forget about Charlie Brown’s black Valentine’s Day (you jew banger!).

‘Dominatrix’ alleges bizarre sexcapade with cop:

GREENBURGH – In X-rated testimony as graphic as a porno flick, a former dominatrix yesterday described a bizarre sexual encounter in the woods she claims to have had with a town police officer.

“He wanted to go to a motel in the Bronx where I would defecate on him, but I told him I was uncomfortable going to the Bronx,” testified the dominatrix, Gina Pane, 31, buttoned up in an olive-gray suit with her black hair pulled back in a bun. “I suggested that we go into a woody area. He was very excited.”

The officer, she testified, performed a sexual act as she finished.

And of course, the sexiest:

They ended up in the nature reserve, where, it is alleged, he masturbated as she squatted on a branch.

Jesus Camp:

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhh!